Tuesday, March 29, 2016

today I go back to work

... FULL days ... the whole deal.

I can do it.

This was part of the plan. Sooner or later, you have to get back up, dust yourself off and keep going.
It does't happen quickly ... you have to work up to. It takes patience, fortitude, and discipline. It means setting goals and working toward them. It means eating healthy, exercising and encouraging yourself.

I am a warrior. I have been working up to this. I have what it takes.

I am a warrior. I have battled depression. I battle depression still. I can still feel in my body ... but I will look beyond the aches and pains and keep moving forward.

I am a warrior. My battle cry is YES I CAN

~ wish me luck ~

Monday, March 28, 2016

Frequent Social Media Users Nearly 3 Times More Likely To Have Depression: Study

By Rebecca Joseph    National Online Journalist   Global News

People who check social media multiple times a day are almost three times more likely suffer from depression than those who don’t, according to a new study.

A study out of the University of Pittsburgh’s School of Medicine and funded by the National Institutes of Health found that the more time a young adult devotes to social media, the more likely they are to be depressed.

In the study, 1,787 people aged 19-32 were surveyed on their use of platforms like Facebook, Twitter and Vine. It found they checked social media an average of 31 times a day for around 61 minutes total.

People who checked the most often were 2.7 times more likely to suffer from depression than those who checked the least and people who spend the most time on the sites were 1.7 times more likely.

Lead author Lyu yu Lin said this doesn’t mean social media is causing depression.

“It may be that people who already are depressed are turning to social media to fill a void,” she said in a news release.


But on the other hand, Lin says there may be factors on social media that cause depression, such as envy due to “highly idealized representations of peers,” a feeling of time wasted, and exposure to cyber-bullying.

“All of these things are possibilities … my guess is that it probably is some kind of combination,” senior author Dr. Brian A. Primack, who is also the director of Pitt’s Center for Research on Media, Technology and Health, told Global News.
“It’s very likely a double-edged sword, where there are a lot of potential uses for this technology but there’re also risks associated with it.”
The study shows that there’s an opportunity for social media sites to help out with the battle against depression, which the World Health Organization says is the leading cause of disability worldwide.

“I think it’s very important to say that just because we found this tendency (a relatively strong tendency,) … that doesn’t mean it’s going to be exactly that way for everybody,” Primack explained. “There very well may be ways that people use social media to alleviate depression, or to increase happiness.”

In fact, some websites are already trying to leverage social media to help people with depression: Tumblr will ask the user “Everything okay?” if searching for words like depression or suicide, and link to crisis intervention websites.

“Hopefully by us quantifying this, it at least brings us more to the table so that people can be thinking about how to use this medium, and not let the medium use them,” Primack said.

source: globalnews.ca

Friday, March 25, 2016

New Research will Change the Way We Think About Depression. (Finally!)

Posted by Hey Sigmund

The way we have been thinking about depression is broken. Depression is widely considered to be a mental illness – a disorder of the mind – but new research has challenged that, and the findings will change the way we think about and treat depression.

Physical illness rarely carries the same crippling stigma as mental illness. There seems to be a gap between the way we think about the two, with physical illness often garnering more respect and permission to ‘be’. To understand depression in a way that and fosters better treatment options and greater clarity, we need to find out more about what it is – or what it is not.

Enter a team of international researchers, who have gone and done just that.

The Research – What They Did.
For the very first time, in a comprehensive study lead by a team of researchers from around the world, we have scientific proof that depression is not just a mental disorder but a systemic one that affects the whole body. The massive study, published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry involved an analysis of 29 previous studies, comprising a total of 3,961 people.

The researchers were interested in the way depression manifested in the bodies of those individuals. They found that depression affects the whole body on a cellular level. In light of this, the researchers have called for depression to be considered a systemic disease, rather than a mental one.

The results make sense of the longstanding observation that people with depression are also more likely to be diagnosed with cancer and heart disease.

What They Found.
The study revealed that depression was linked to oxidative stress in the body. When compared to people without depression, those who were depressed had elevated levels of malondaldehyde – a compound that indicates oxidative stress.

So what is oxidative stress? Let me explain. Oxidative stress happens when the body overproduces free radicals and then struggles to get rid of them from the body. Free radicals cause damage to critical parts of cells including proteins, DNA and cell membranes. When the free radicals damage these important parts of the cells, the cells aren’t able to function properly. Eventually, they can die.

Free radicals are produced naturally by the body but overproduction can be triggered by stress, pollutants, alcohol, the air we breathe, the food we eat (particularly fried food), the body’s natural immune system response (inflammation) or tobacco smoke. In short, modern living makes us vulnerable.

One of the ways the body detoxifies free radicals is through antioxidants. Antioxidants inhibit oxidisation by scavenging free radicals from the body. When there are too many free radicals floating around and not enough antioxidants to mop them up, the body struggles to keep up with the detoxification of the free radicals. The body comes under oxidative stress and this is when the damage to the cells can spread throughout the body.


What it Means.
The findings open up new avenues for the treatment and prevention of depression. Heal the body and we can heal the mind.

In their study, the authors conclude that;
‘Results suggest that oxidative stress plays a role in depression and that antidepressant activity may be mediated via improving oxidative stress (and) antioxidant function.’
After receiving the usual treatment for depression, the levels of malondialdehyde (the indicator that the body may be under oxidative stress) decreased, and the levels of antioxidants increased. Eventually, both malondialdehyde and antioxidants were restored to such a level that the bodies of people with depression were indistinguishable from people who did not have depression.

Future Promise.
Depression has long been thought of as a disorder of the mind and this is the way it has been treated. Antidepressants target neurotransmitters in the brain, and though some people find great relief from these, many don’t find relief, or eventually relapse.

It seems that in treating only the mind, we have been getting it spectacularly wrong. The mind and the body are deeply connected. An abundance of scientific research has consistently delivered us the proof.

Depression is an illness of the whole body, not just the mind. In recent years, the theories around depression being caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain have started to break down.

We know that when some people are given antidepressants that target serotonin levels in the brain, they find relief. For a long time, this was taken as evidence that a lack of serotonin caused depression. Just because something makes it better, that doesn’t mean that the body is deficient in that ‘something’. This is similar to saying that shyness is caused by a lack of alcohol, or that headaches are caused by a lack of paracetamol, or that fatigue is caused by a lack of caffeine.

There is another reason the low serotonin/depression-is-all-in-the-head theories are becoming shaky. If one of the symptoms of depression is low serotonin, what causes the low serotonin? The way we have been thinking about depression – as purely a mental illness – stops short of a full explanation.

Antidepressants have given great relief to many people, but there are many who find no relief at all. It’s likely that by treating the chemical imbalance, we are only treating part of the problem. Think of it like treating fatigue with a decent sleep. When fatigued people sleep, they feel less fatigued. Does this mean that fatigue is from a lack of sleep? Sometimes, yes, absolutely. And in these cases, a decent sleep will be exactly what’s needed. Sometimes though, fatigue will be a sign of something else happening in the body – an infection, a virus. In these cases, sleep might help but the relief won’t be lasting because it won’t be treating the cause.

When we change the way we think about depression – as an illness of the whole body, not just an illness of the mind – we open up new possibilities for treatment. The body can heal and so can the mind. This is not new information, but hopefully, with our ever expanding understanding of depression, we can use this old information in new and powerful ways to heal the mind, body and spirit in more enduring and effective ways.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

a better day


I am ok. I feel ok right now. I am embracing this moment and trying to savour it for all it's comfort. It may have been a decent sleep ... or it could be that the meds are finally kicking in ... but I feel kinda normal physically right now, and it's nice.

I am fortunate. I have a job that has supports to assist me in my struggle. I can only try and imagine the many people who do not have the resources and supports to help them get back on their feet.

Today I feel much more calm and balanced ... I am not a ball of energy, but I do feel peaceful and rested. Right now I just want to appreciate this feeling ...

I am grateful ...
I have been sick for the last 3 weeks, but I am getting better.
I am grateful for the sunshine.
I am grateful for living where I live ... and the wonderful tree lined paths that can be found throughout the neighborhood ... it’s good to be able to go out for a walk and get some much needed exercise.
I am grateful for my winter jacket, which allows me stay warm and go for those much needed walks.
I am grateful most of all for fortitude ... that force within me that refuses to just stay sick ... that spark which keeps me doing what I need to get healthy again.

I know I'm not out of the woods yet. But I am on my way ...

Monday, March 21, 2016

struggling

this is not me
The healthy me is positive and productive. The healthy me is active and a good role model. The healthy me is optimistic ... but currently I am miserable.


voices in my head
My insecurities are telling me I am unimportant ... they are saying I am insignificant and unwanted. I know they lie ... I know it's untrue ... and yet I can't seem to change the channel.

Myths and Facts About Depression


People's ideas about depression have changed over the years. New technology and new research show that depression is a disease, just like asthma or heart failure.

Here are some myths and facts about depression.

Myth
Fact
"Depression isn't real."
"It's something in your head."
"It's being lazy."
Depression is a disease of the brain. Experts believe that certain brain chemicals go out of balance to cause the disease. No one thing causes this. Many things, including your genes, stressful events, illness, and medicines, can cause the imbalance.
"Depression always will get better by itself."
"Treatment doesn't really work."
"You usually can wait it out."
A few people get over depression on their own, but most people need treatment. Most people with depression can be treated, and they return to their work and home routines. Without treatment, depression can last for months or even years.
"Children cannot get depression."
Depression can develop in any age group, ethnic group, economic group, and gender.
"Depression only happens if something bad happens to you. For example, you only get it after a bad divorce or losing your job."
Depression may start after something bad happens, but other things also may trigger it. Medicines, hormone problems, childbirth, and using alcohol and drugs all can trigger depression. Sometimes it happens for no clear reason.
"If you can't get over depression, you're weak."
Depression is a disease. It is a problem with your brain chemistry, not your character. You can't force yourself to get over it any more than you can make asthma or a heart attack go away.
"Only people who are very depressed or think about suicide need medicine."
Many people with depression are helped by medicine. Medicine can improve or get rid of the symptoms of depression.

source: www.webmd.com

Sunday, March 20, 2016

dead inside


I am not going to dwell on it, but I do need to acknowledge it ... 
I miss feeling things. I miss passion and excitement.
I miss feeling good when I hear music.
I miss feeling alive.
I miss energy.


The truth isn't pretty, but there it is.
I am still going to get up, dust myself off and carry on.
Time heals ... and I will keep going and try to be patient.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

wrestling with insecurities


it's easier just to hide
Many mornings, I want to just stay in bed. the list of things that have to be done in order to be "normal" becomes overwhelming. All the tasks that need to be addressed before I am presentable and functioning are paralyzingly monumental.

the rat race
I can now relate to some of the homeless people I see on the street. Depression can take you to the brink of dropping out ... of not being able to go on ... to not being able to function  as required ... as expected ... as a cog in the wheel of society that is the rat race.

it's all just too much
fillthekettle boilthewater makesometea eatsomebreakfast shavemyface cleantheshaver brushmyteeth takesomevitamins haveashower getdressed drivetowork interactwithothers ... and that's just the start of the day ... all the energy and ambition it takes to do all that is something I simply do not have.


so I am left feeling weak and inferior
Having to drop out of society to recover isn't my choice. I want to be at work .... I want to feel like I'm contributing and productive ... I simply don't have the stamina ... I am exhausted.

climbing out of the dark hole
I am grateful for the little pilot light within me that is still lit. There is some small part of me that drives me keep going. It's strange in some respects ... I don't see a future ... all hope for any happiness is absent, but something in me drives me to carry on.

the battle within
The struggle to get strong again is mental and physical. I have to encourage myself and set goals to make recovery happen. I force myself to increase my stamina and energy with exercise most days. I try to eat foods that will aid in my recovery. I try to get enough sleep. I am patiently chipping away at this mountain and work towards being healthier every day.


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

This ain't my first rodeo.

hello darkness
my old friend

Looking back, I guess that explains a few things from my childhood.
I remember playing in a sandbox as this man talked with me. My parents took me to see him at his office downtown ... at the time, I didn't know why ... but he had some cool toys in his little sandbox at his office. He asked questions and seemed to want me talk about feelings and things.

I guess my parents saw something was wrong. I guess they saw that I was lost and tortured.

I also remember not understanding why my mom spent so much time sick. I remember being angry and just wishing she wasn't always so unhappy or drugged up or spending most of her time in her room. Looking back now, I see that one of my mom's battles was with depression ... and it wouldn't surprise me maybe there was some hereditary component that was passed on to me (and maybe some other family members). At the time, I didn't understand ... but I think I do now.

Right now ... this ... this is about my fifth or sixth battle.
For me, it's become familiar territory. In some ways, it's good that I've had some experience with depression. I know what to expect ... I know what I have to do to get better again ... but in some ways it's harder now too. I feel scared and alone. I am not as young as I used to be and worry that one of these times I might not bounce back.


I keep going anyway.
Despite the feeling that my life is over ... despite the feelings of darkness and impending, crushing doom ... there is some part of me that knows that I just have to hang in there. Nothing is permanent ... the only thing constant in the universe is change. I want to get better. I want to not feel this ugly darkness anymore.

I know what I have to do.
People who have never experienced depression likely have no idea what this struggle is like. It's actually thousands of struggles ... because EVERYTHING is a struggle ... every little thing. Depression robs you physically of your energy and stamina. At times, I have felt so drained that I was barely able to do the smallest of things. And there is an aching ... an aching throughout my body. Some mornings, I wake up exhausted and it feels like every cell in my body is in pain.

I know that I have to work to get better again.  So - I force myself to get off the couch and go for a walk. I have to exercise. I have to eat. I have to use the resources around me to get back on track. I have to move forward and get healthier again.

I am not proud of my depression.
Some people may view me as weak ... or damaged ... or inferior. That is part of the stigma. We all have challenges and currently, this is mine. I have to remind myself that I should be proud ... proud that I am not going to let it beat me. Proud that I will rise to the challenge and keep going. I am strong enough to fight back and work toward regaining my footing. I have what it takes to defeat depression. It will take time, work and patience ... but I will come through this.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

It's Complicated.

Depression is more than sadness.

Physically, you may be so drained, so weak, that everything becomes a struggle.

You want to be healthy. You want to be working. You want to feel normal again.
But - a lack of energy can prevent you from functioning.


You want to feel like you are part of the human race ... but until your body can get back to a more productive state ... you find yourself just having to be patient.

Getting up in the morning ... starting the day exhausted ... feeling every fibre of your body aching.

You have to force yourself to eat. You have to force yourself to get some fresh air and exercise. You want to get better, so you try your best to do what you need to do to get back on track.

Sunday, March 06, 2016

Battling Demons


I am struggling.

I am struggling to keep going.

I am trying to focus on positive things
... but the negative voices - my insecurities are winning the battle right now.


I am trying to focus on gratitude ... but my thoughts are dominated by how alone I am.

My apathy consumes me ... no passion ... no ambition ... no energy ...
The physical manifestation is crippling ...
I just want to stay here and hide.


I have to force myself to carry on

My thoughts betray me. They keep forcing me back to my state of weakness.

Despite my intelligence. 

Despite my knowledge. 

Despite my research.

Despite my exercise, my diet, my suppliments
... despite my every effort to be strong, competent, successful ...


so alone