This ain't my first rodeo.

hello darkness

my old friend

Looking back, I guess that explains a few things from my childhood.
I remember playing in a sandbox as this man talked with me. My parents took me to see him at his office downtown ... at the time, I didn't know why ... but he had some cool toys in his little sandbox at his office. He asked questions and seemed to want me talk about feelings and things.

I guess my parents saw something was wrong. I guess they saw that I was lost and tortured.

I also remember not understanding why my mom spent so much time sick. I remember being angry and just wishing she wasn't always so unhappy or drugged up or spending most of her time in her room. Looking back now, I see that one of my mom's battles was with depression ... and it wouldn't surprise me maybe there was some hereditary component that was passed on to me (and maybe some other family members). At the time, I didn't understand ... but I think I do now.

Right now ... this ... this is about my fifth or sixth battle.
For me, it's become familiar territory. In some ways, it's good that I've had some experience with depression. I know what to expect ... I know what I have to do to get better again ... but in some ways it's harder now too. I feel scared and alone. I am not as young as I used to be and worry that one of these times I might not bounce back.

I keep going anyway.
Despite the feeling that my life is over ... despite the feelings of darkness and impending, crushing doom ... there is some part of me that knows that I just have to hang in there. Nothing is permanent ... the only thing constant in the universe is change. I want to get better. I want to not feel this ugly darkness anymore.

I know what I have to do.
People who have never experienced depression likely have no idea what this struggle is like. It's actually thousands of struggles ... because EVERYTHING is a struggle ... every little thing. Depression robs you physically of your energy and stamina. At times, I have felt so drained that I was barely able to do the smallest of things. And there is an aching ... an aching throughout my body. Some mornings, I wake up exhausted and it feels like every cell in my body is in pain.

I know that I have to work to get better again.  So - I force myself to get off the couch and go for a walk. I have to exercise. I have to eat. I have to use the resources around me to get back on track. I have to move forward and get healthier again.

I am not proud of my depression.
Some people may view me as weak ... or damaged ... or inferior. That is part of the stigma. We all have challenges and currently, this is mine. I have to remind myself that I should be proud ... proud that I am not going to let it beat me. Proud that I will rise to the challenge and keep going. I am strong enough to fight back and work toward regaining my footing. I have what it takes to defeat depression. It will take time, work and patience ... but I will come through this.