This week I returned to work. It's mornings only for the first week or two .... Try to ease back into things.
It's surprising the amount of stresses we have implemented into our lives ... Wake up early, rush to get cleaned up, have coffee, eat breakfast, make lunch and rush through traffic to get get to work on time ... it becomes part of the landscape and we adapt to it - it gets assimilated into the routine.
Stress is the #1 epidemic of our time ... we have glorified profit and business ... the result is a wide range of health problems that often can be stress related.
Yesterday - just the morning exhausted me ... the afternoon was spent recovering on the couch ... but today went better and I was more productive. If everyday was like today, I could probably jump into full time right away, but currently it's hit and miss.
If by late in the week I see more consistent progress with energy and stamina, I might go back full time fairly soon ... we'll see.
It feels nice to be more productive again.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Can Everyday Hassles Make You Depressed?
Do you sweat the small stuff?
When it comes to pinpointing the source of our woes, we tend not to think too much about the little hassles of everyday life; after all they're just little hassles, nothing compared to the big stuff.
You're late for a meeting, you run out of biscuits or you get a parking ticket; irritating certainly, but nothing really serious, or anything like it.
Instead, we tend to blame the big events in life: divorce, disease and bereavement. And, when looking for what puts people over the edge, that's exactly where psychological researchers have concentrated their attention: on the big stuff.
But many are waking up to the fact that although the little hassles in life are smaller, they're also more numerous, so they can really add up over time. And, whether stressful events are big or small, it matters a lot how we deal with them.
Daily stressors
In new research published in Psychological Science, Charles et al. (2013) looked at people's reactions to everyday stressors and how this played out a decade later. Participants were asked about their daily stressors over eight days and generally how they felt. People reported having all the usual sorts of stressors like having arguments, a fridge breaking down or being late for an appointment.
Then, 10 years later, they were revisited and asked whether they had been treated for anxiety, depression or any other emotional problems in the last year.
What the results showed was that how people reacted to the little stressors of everyday life predicted whether they developed psychological problems a decade later (incidentally, the number who did report a disorder was almost one in five).
This fits in with other recent studies which have also shown that people's reactions to ordinary stressors predict depressive symptoms (e.g. Parrish et al., 2011).
Whether problems are big or small, what matters is how we react to them. People who tend to do worst are those that have the strongest emotional reaction to both big and small events.
We tend to think that depression is always a reaction to some really bad thing happening and sometimes it is; but sometimes it's all those little things piled on top of one another that can get you down.
source: PSYBLOG
Friday, April 26, 2013
moving on
I'm better now. I was a little wobbly there for a while, but I'm a little more stable now.
I might have a few times here and there where I may not be at my best, but I'm much more functional these days.
Next week I will return to work ... half days to start ... I won't exactly be an enthusiastic, happy ball of energy, but I'm pretty sure there won't be any more crying breaks in the bathroom. My stamina has improved (hopefully) to the point where I should be able to ease back into the rat race.
From what I've heard, it could still take months for healing to continue. I am returning to work a couple of weeks earlier than my doctor recommended and there was a concern expressed about too much too soon, but I think I should be up for it.
Stress ... pressure ... as it piles on us, we all have our breaking point. Something can pop up from seemingly nowhere and crush you ... but you can't lie there in your pool of blood forever. Sooner or later you have to get back up ...
It's time to try and get back up ...
I might have a few times here and there where I may not be at my best, but I'm much more functional these days.
Next week I will return to work ... half days to start ... I won't exactly be an enthusiastic, happy ball of energy, but I'm pretty sure there won't be any more crying breaks in the bathroom. My stamina has improved (hopefully) to the point where I should be able to ease back into the rat race.
From what I've heard, it could still take months for healing to continue. I am returning to work a couple of weeks earlier than my doctor recommended and there was a concern expressed about too much too soon, but I think I should be up for it.
Stress ... pressure ... as it piles on us, we all have our breaking point. Something can pop up from seemingly nowhere and crush you ... but you can't lie there in your pool of blood forever. Sooner or later you have to get back up ...
It's time to try and get back up ...
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
life on planet earth
I wish I could be more optimistic, but these days - this pretty much sums up my state of mind:
It's hard to go on. It's hard to carry on and pretend like it's business as usual, yet at some point soon this is what I must do.
In order to return to a more "normal" life, I will try to rise to the expectations and responsibilities society requires and get back in the rat race.
It may be difficult to put on a happy face and be some sort of inspiration as an educator, but maybe it will force me to find positives focus on.
My goal is to returen to work next week (half time initially). Physically, I think I should be ok ... much of my stamina and energy has returned and MOST days, I should be up for it. Not every day may be perfect, but I will do my best.
Currently I have recovered to the point where MOST days I should be functional. There are still some times when I can feel weak, vulnerable, fragile and incapable ... but I am better (most of the time) than I was a month ago.
This week I will be seeing 2 of my 3 doctors and hope to get the green light to return to work next week.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
a large part of depression is really chemical / physical
It can be a case of one thing leads to another. Stress can be very destructive influence and sometimes it can play a part in depression. Sometimes we reach our limit and bad things happen.
Our perceptions and emotions have an intimate relationship with our brain, and our brains function using biochemical process that involve serotonin and tryptophan. Body chemistry can have a major influence on our mental health and well being.
1. What is serotonin?
Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter, a type of chemical that helps relay signals from one area of the brain to another. Although serotonin is manufactured in the brain, where it performs its primary functions, some 90% of our serotonin supply is found in the digestive tract and in blood platelets.
2. How is serotonin made?
Serotonin is made via a unique biochemical conversion process. It begins with tryptophan, a building block to proteins. Cells that make serotonin use tryptophan hydroxylase, a chemical reactor which, when combined with tryptophan, forms 5-hydroxytryptamine, otherwise known as serotonin.
3. What role does serotonin play in our health?
As a neurotransmitter, serotonin helps to relay messages from one area of the brain to another. Because of the widespread distribution of its cells, it is believed to influence a variety of psychological and other body functions. Of the approximately 40 million brain cells, most are influenced either directly or indirectly by serotonin. This includes brain cells related to mood, sexual desire and function, appetite, sleep, memory and learning, temperature regulation, and some social behavior.
In terms of our body function, serotonin can also affect the functioning of our cardiovascular system, muscles, and various elements in the endocrine system. Researchers have also found evidence that serotonin may play a role in regulating milk production in the breast, and that a defect within the serotonin network may be one underlying cause of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).
4. What is the link between serotonin and depression?
There are many researchers who believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels may influence mood in a way that leads to depression. Possible problems include low brain cell production of serotonin, a lack of receptor sites able to receive the serotonin that is made, inability of serotonin to reach the receptor sites, or a shortage in tryptophan, the chemical from which serotonin is made. If any of these biochemical glitches occur, researchers believe it can lead to depression, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, panic, and even excess anger.
One theory about how depression develops centers on the regeneration of brain cells -- a process that some believe is mediated by serotonin, and ongoing throughout our lives. According to Princeton neuroscientist Barry Jacobs, PhD, depression may occur when there is a suppression of new brain cells and that stress is the most important precipitator of depression. He believes that common antidepressant medications known as SSRIs, such as Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, which are designed to boost serotonin levels, help kick off the production of new brain cells, which in turn allows the depression to lift.
Although it is widely believed that a serotonin deficiency plays a role in depression, there is no way to measure its levels in the living brain. Therefore, there have not been any studies proving that brain levels of this or any neurotransmitter are in short supply when depression or any mental illness develops. Blood levels of serotonin are measurable -- and have been shown to be lower in people who suffer from depression – but researchers don't know if blood levels reflect the brain's level of serotonin.
Also, researchers don't know whether the dip in serotonin causes the depression, or the depression causes serotonin levels to drop.
Although it is widely believed that a serotonin deficiency plays a role in depression, there is no way to measure its levels in the living brain. The
Antidepressant medications that work on serotonin levels -- SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and SNRIs (serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors) -- are believed to reduce symptoms of depression, but exactly how they work is not yet fully understood.
5. Can diet influence our supply of serotonin?
It can, but in a roundabout way. Unlike calcium-rich foods, which can directly increase your blood levels of this mineral, there are no foods that can directly increase your body's supply of serotonin. That said, there are foods and some nutrients that can increase levels of tryptophan, the amino acid from which serotonin is made.
Protein-rich foods, such as meat or chicken, contain high levels of tryptophans. Tryptophan appears in dairy foods, nuts, and fowl. Ironically, however, levels of both tryptophan and serotonin drop after eating a meal packed with protein. Why? According to nutritionist Elizabeth Somer, when you eat a high-protein meal, you "flood the blood with both tryptophan and its competing amino acids," all fighting for entry into the brain. That means only a small amount of tryptophan gets through -- and serotonin levels don't rise.
But eat a carbohydrate-rich meal, and your body triggers a release of insulin. This, Somer says, causes any amino acids in the blood to be absorbed into the body -- but not the brain. Except for, you guessed it -- tryptophan! It remains in the bloodstream at high levels following a carbohydrate meal, which means it can freely enter the brain and cause serotonin levels to rise, she says.
What can also help: Getting an adequate supply of vitamin B-6, which can influence the rate at which tryptophan is converted to serotonin.
6. Can exercise boost serotonin levels?
Exercise can do a lot to improve your mood -- and across the board, studies have shown that regular exercise can be as effective a treatment for depression as antidepressant medication or psychotherapy. In the past, it was believed that several weeks of working out was necessary to see the effects on depression, but new research conducted at the University of Texas at Austin found that just a single 40-minute period of exercise can have an immediate effect on mood.
That said, it remains unclear of the exact mechanism by which exercise accomplishes this. While some believe it affects serotonin levels, to date there are no definitive studies showing that this is the case.
Our coping skills vary ... how we react to pressure can mean the difference between functioning and incapacitated.
Sleep, diet, exercise, time, patience and medical attention all contribute to the recovery process.
As I grow stronger and regain stability, I look forward to getting back to a more "normal" life ... working again and regaining confidence in my abilities and responsibilities.
Our perceptions and emotions have an intimate relationship with our brain, and our brains function using biochemical process that involve serotonin and tryptophan. Body chemistry can have a major influence on our mental health and well being.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Serotonin: Questions and Answers
By Colette Bouchez WebMD Feature Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD1. What is serotonin?
Serotonin acts as a neurotransmitter, a type of chemical that helps relay signals from one area of the brain to another. Although serotonin is manufactured in the brain, where it performs its primary functions, some 90% of our serotonin supply is found in the digestive tract and in blood platelets.
2. How is serotonin made?
Serotonin is made via a unique biochemical conversion process. It begins with tryptophan, a building block to proteins. Cells that make serotonin use tryptophan hydroxylase, a chemical reactor which, when combined with tryptophan, forms 5-hydroxytryptamine, otherwise known as serotonin.
3. What role does serotonin play in our health?
As a neurotransmitter, serotonin helps to relay messages from one area of the brain to another. Because of the widespread distribution of its cells, it is believed to influence a variety of psychological and other body functions. Of the approximately 40 million brain cells, most are influenced either directly or indirectly by serotonin. This includes brain cells related to mood, sexual desire and function, appetite, sleep, memory and learning, temperature regulation, and some social behavior.
In terms of our body function, serotonin can also affect the functioning of our cardiovascular system, muscles, and various elements in the endocrine system. Researchers have also found evidence that serotonin may play a role in regulating milk production in the breast, and that a defect within the serotonin network may be one underlying cause of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).
4. What is the link between serotonin and depression?
There are many researchers who believe that an imbalance in serotonin levels may influence mood in a way that leads to depression. Possible problems include low brain cell production of serotonin, a lack of receptor sites able to receive the serotonin that is made, inability of serotonin to reach the receptor sites, or a shortage in tryptophan, the chemical from which serotonin is made. If any of these biochemical glitches occur, researchers believe it can lead to depression, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, panic, and even excess anger.
One theory about how depression develops centers on the regeneration of brain cells -- a process that some believe is mediated by serotonin, and ongoing throughout our lives. According to Princeton neuroscientist Barry Jacobs, PhD, depression may occur when there is a suppression of new brain cells and that stress is the most important precipitator of depression. He believes that common antidepressant medications known as SSRIs, such as Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft, which are designed to boost serotonin levels, help kick off the production of new brain cells, which in turn allows the depression to lift.
Although it is widely believed that a serotonin deficiency plays a role in depression, there is no way to measure its levels in the living brain. Therefore, there have not been any studies proving that brain levels of this or any neurotransmitter are in short supply when depression or any mental illness develops. Blood levels of serotonin are measurable -- and have been shown to be lower in people who suffer from depression – but researchers don't know if blood levels reflect the brain's level of serotonin.
Also, researchers don't know whether the dip in serotonin causes the depression, or the depression causes serotonin levels to drop.
Although it is widely believed that a serotonin deficiency plays a role in depression, there is no way to measure its levels in the living brain. The
Antidepressant medications that work on serotonin levels -- SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and SNRIs (serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors) -- are believed to reduce symptoms of depression, but exactly how they work is not yet fully understood.
5. Can diet influence our supply of serotonin?
It can, but in a roundabout way. Unlike calcium-rich foods, which can directly increase your blood levels of this mineral, there are no foods that can directly increase your body's supply of serotonin. That said, there are foods and some nutrients that can increase levels of tryptophan, the amino acid from which serotonin is made.
Protein-rich foods, such as meat or chicken, contain high levels of tryptophans. Tryptophan appears in dairy foods, nuts, and fowl. Ironically, however, levels of both tryptophan and serotonin drop after eating a meal packed with protein. Why? According to nutritionist Elizabeth Somer, when you eat a high-protein meal, you "flood the blood with both tryptophan and its competing amino acids," all fighting for entry into the brain. That means only a small amount of tryptophan gets through -- and serotonin levels don't rise.
But eat a carbohydrate-rich meal, and your body triggers a release of insulin. This, Somer says, causes any amino acids in the blood to be absorbed into the body -- but not the brain. Except for, you guessed it -- tryptophan! It remains in the bloodstream at high levels following a carbohydrate meal, which means it can freely enter the brain and cause serotonin levels to rise, she says.
What can also help: Getting an adequate supply of vitamin B-6, which can influence the rate at which tryptophan is converted to serotonin.
6. Can exercise boost serotonin levels?
Exercise can do a lot to improve your mood -- and across the board, studies have shown that regular exercise can be as effective a treatment for depression as antidepressant medication or psychotherapy. In the past, it was believed that several weeks of working out was necessary to see the effects on depression, but new research conducted at the University of Texas at Austin found that just a single 40-minute period of exercise can have an immediate effect on mood.
That said, it remains unclear of the exact mechanism by which exercise accomplishes this. While some believe it affects serotonin levels, to date there are no definitive studies showing that this is the case.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Our coping skills vary ... how we react to pressure can mean the difference between functioning and incapacitated.
Sleep, diet, exercise, time, patience and medical attention all contribute to the recovery process.
As I grow stronger and regain stability, I look forward to getting back to a more "normal" life ... working again and regaining confidence in my abilities and responsibilities.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
e m p t i n e s s
I feel like a placeholder these days. I'm here in body, but my spirit is a numb, empty shell.
It's hard to do anything when all you feel is nothing.
I want to go back to work, but it may be hard without any spark.
The responsibilities and expectations of the world become overwhelming and paralyze me ... it drains me and I find myself shutting down.
Maybe the "fake it 'till you make it" approach might work. Just get back out there and put on a brave face ... suck it up and get on with it.
Right now, I just want to hide. Here at home it's safe ... comfortable ... easy ... simple. It's a good place to retreat from the cold, angry world.
There are some days when I feel like I am winning the battle ... but today is a struggle.
Despite my wanting to get healthy ASAP and get back to work, my doctor reminds me to be patient and perhaps wait for more consistent good days. I am disappointed, but can see that I may not be up to it just yet.
I will continue to work towards getting healthier and focus on rebuilding ...
It's hard to do anything when all you feel is nothing.
I want to go back to work, but it may be hard without any spark.
The responsibilities and expectations of the world become overwhelming and paralyze me ... it drains me and I find myself shutting down.
Maybe the "fake it 'till you make it" approach might work. Just get back out there and put on a brave face ... suck it up and get on with it.
Right now, I just want to hide. Here at home it's safe ... comfortable ... easy ... simple. It's a good place to retreat from the cold, angry world.
There are some days when I feel like I am winning the battle ... but today is a struggle.
Despite my wanting to get healthy ASAP and get back to work, my doctor reminds me to be patient and perhaps wait for more consistent good days. I am disappointed, but can see that I may not be up to it just yet.
I will continue to work towards getting healthier and focus on rebuilding ...
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
the world can be an ugly place
It can make you want to hide ... withdraw ... escape.
It's the day after the Boston Marathon bombings ... one more reminder of how cold and cruel the world can be.
One doesn't have to look far to find the ugliness in the world ... just watch the news. If you listen to the news throughout the day, it can easily drag you down. I like to stay informed ... I know that knowledge is power, but consciously choosing to absorb all the things wrong with the world can be a destructive force in our life.
Call yourself a pessimist, a realist or an optimist ... I believe we find what we look for. If you want to believe the world is a bad place, you can easily find examples around to support your case.
I want to believe in the peacemakers, the healers and the teachers. I choose to focus on beauty, serenity and positivity.
Are there damaged, misguided people in the world? Absolutely. I know there are ... but I choose to look for the good. I have to ... I won't allow the negativity of the world bog me down.
I can understand how some can buckle under the pressure. I have felt the weight of the world and it can be crushing. It can make you feel like you want to stop the world and get off ... but there is no where to go.
Coping with stress ... pressure ... it can be a mammoth challenge for many of us. I don't want be one of those who allows it to take over their lives. I may be afflicted temporarily, but I'll be damned if I allow it to devastate me.
I choose to focus on the good, the caring, the thoughtful and the loving.
Beyond the clouds, I know the sun is shining.
It's the day after the Boston Marathon bombings ... one more reminder of how cold and cruel the world can be.
One doesn't have to look far to find the ugliness in the world ... just watch the news. If you listen to the news throughout the day, it can easily drag you down. I like to stay informed ... I know that knowledge is power, but consciously choosing to absorb all the things wrong with the world can be a destructive force in our life.
Call yourself a pessimist, a realist or an optimist ... I believe we find what we look for. If you want to believe the world is a bad place, you can easily find examples around to support your case.
I want to believe in the peacemakers, the healers and the teachers. I choose to focus on beauty, serenity and positivity.
Are there damaged, misguided people in the world? Absolutely. I know there are ... but I choose to look for the good. I have to ... I won't allow the negativity of the world bog me down.
I can understand how some can buckle under the pressure. I have felt the weight of the world and it can be crushing. It can make you feel like you want to stop the world and get off ... but there is no where to go.
Coping with stress ... pressure ... it can be a mammoth challenge for many of us. I don't want be one of those who allows it to take over their lives. I may be afflicted temporarily, but I'll be damned if I allow it to devastate me.
I choose to focus on the good, the caring, the thoughtful and the loving.
Beyond the clouds, I know the sun is shining.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
I am stronger than this
Determination and self discipline are probably your greatest tools in the fight against depression.
The easiest thing to do is just give in and go along for the ride. Anyone can just take the easy route and surrender to the black dog, but if you want to recover, you have to make healthier choices.
It can be challenging at times to force yourself to take the high road, but the reward is knowing that you are taking back control. You are in charge of your destiny ... the sooner you work toward being stronger, the sooner you will be back in the sunshine.
Not every day will be victorious, but that's ok. Cut yourself a little slack on those days and focus on conquering destructive behaviours that may be sabotaging your well being.
Most of us are usually on a spiral journey ... either heading up toward health and happiness, or heading downward along the more destructive, unhealthy direction. The choices we make along the way on this spiral influence which direction we be headed toward.
Depression is a trip down the spiral ... but with time, support, determination and patience, we can return and begin heading back toward the healthier, happier side of things.
You have to want to ... and you have to find the strength to make healthier decisions.
Nothing worthwhile comes easily, and this is especially true with self discipline.
As I get stronger, I give myself permission to be proud of my victories.
I am stronger than this.
The easiest thing to do is just give in and go along for the ride. Anyone can just take the easy route and surrender to the black dog, but if you want to recover, you have to make healthier choices.
It can be challenging at times to force yourself to take the high road, but the reward is knowing that you are taking back control. You are in charge of your destiny ... the sooner you work toward being stronger, the sooner you will be back in the sunshine.
Not every day will be victorious, but that's ok. Cut yourself a little slack on those days and focus on conquering destructive behaviours that may be sabotaging your well being.
Most of us are usually on a spiral journey ... either heading up toward health and happiness, or heading downward along the more destructive, unhealthy direction. The choices we make along the way on this spiral influence which direction we be headed toward.
Depression is a trip down the spiral ... but with time, support, determination and patience, we can return and begin heading back toward the healthier, happier side of things.
You have to want to ... and you have to find the strength to make healthier decisions.
Nothing worthwhile comes easily, and this is especially true with self discipline.
As I get stronger, I give myself permission to be proud of my victories.
I am stronger than this.
Friday, April 12, 2013
to be a man
As a male, many of us are expected to be towers of strength, powerful and steadfast ... so when I decided to go public on this blog about my depression, I knew there may be a few people around who might have a few raised eyebrows.
It can be difficult as a man to give ourselves permission to cry. It can be counter intuitive to embrace feelings. Society generally has a perception of a tearful male as weak. I believe it is likely unhealthy to deny feelings.
To carry on as if nothing is wrong may be reassuring to many, but it's a lie. To show ones vulnerable side may make some people uncomfortable, but that is merely a reflection of themselves.
I am not confined by preconceived notions of what a man "should" be. I strive to be a good male role model, dependable, intelligent and capable ... and while I may be temporarily on the sidelines, I know I will be back in the game soon.
As humans, we sometimes fall. Hopefully we are not down for too long ... but we have to get back up. In some ways, we have come a long way. I'm pretty sure 50 years ago anyone depressed would not have access to to the resources to heal properly.
Lately, life really has no passion ... no spark. I am stable, but numb. I guess it's better than teary and sad.
I have a little more energy than I did a couple of weeks ago ... not huffing and puffing when doing the stairs as much.
Every day I feel like I am climbing, bit by bit, out of that dark hole called depression. I think I am on track to go back to work in a couple of weeks ...
It can be difficult as a man to give ourselves permission to cry. It can be counter intuitive to embrace feelings. Society generally has a perception of a tearful male as weak. I believe it is likely unhealthy to deny feelings.
To carry on as if nothing is wrong may be reassuring to many, but it's a lie. To show ones vulnerable side may make some people uncomfortable, but that is merely a reflection of themselves.
I am not confined by preconceived notions of what a man "should" be. I strive to be a good male role model, dependable, intelligent and capable ... and while I may be temporarily on the sidelines, I know I will be back in the game soon.
As humans, we sometimes fall. Hopefully we are not down for too long ... but we have to get back up. In some ways, we have come a long way. I'm pretty sure 50 years ago anyone depressed would not have access to to the resources to heal properly.
Lately, life really has no passion ... no spark. I am stable, but numb. I guess it's better than teary and sad.
I have a little more energy than I did a couple of weeks ago ... not huffing and puffing when doing the stairs as much.
Every day I feel like I am climbing, bit by bit, out of that dark hole called depression. I think I am on track to go back to work in a couple of weeks ...
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I feel good today
Centered ... relaxed ... calm.
The feeling of all is balanced and in harmony ... no aches or pains, no negative emotions ... just a stable, relaxed peace.
It's like I've been on a raft at sea, getting tossed and turned for many days, and today the water is calm.
I am quite fortunate to have the time, support and space to recover. It's a funny world we live in ... where stress and pressure, pain and tragedy can force you to retreat from that machine we call life.
Yesterday I switched meds. My homeopathy doctor had me on ClearDay for the last 3 weeks ... but I wasn't seeing any substantial improvement 9not to my liking, anyway). So yesterday I switched to my family doctors meds - Cymbalta. I believe it will take at least a week or two before they begin to do their thing.
But I wish I felt like this everyday. I am not a ball of energy ... but really- it's ok. I feel like today is a good tay to relax and bathe in the tranquility of this peace and calm.
It's funny how pain and anguish really have a way of making you appreciate feeling good so much more. The "ahhhh" of no discomfort ...the "mmmm" of peace and balance. Oh to be able to return to this at will, anytime one chooses.
Depression forces one to be selfish in a way, I guess. So I give myself permission to stop ... rest ... heal and rebuild. After all, I can't effectively help anyone else if I am weak and hurting ... and I DO want to help others and be a positive force in the world.
It feels so good today ... to just be.
The feeling of all is balanced and in harmony ... no aches or pains, no negative emotions ... just a stable, relaxed peace.
It's like I've been on a raft at sea, getting tossed and turned for many days, and today the water is calm.
I am quite fortunate to have the time, support and space to recover. It's a funny world we live in ... where stress and pressure, pain and tragedy can force you to retreat from that machine we call life.
Yesterday I switched meds. My homeopathy doctor had me on ClearDay for the last 3 weeks ... but I wasn't seeing any substantial improvement 9not to my liking, anyway). So yesterday I switched to my family doctors meds - Cymbalta. I believe it will take at least a week or two before they begin to do their thing.
But I wish I felt like this everyday. I am not a ball of energy ... but really- it's ok. I feel like today is a good tay to relax and bathe in the tranquility of this peace and calm.
It's funny how pain and anguish really have a way of making you appreciate feeling good so much more. The "ahhhh" of no discomfort ...the "mmmm" of peace and balance. Oh to be able to return to this at will, anytime one chooses.
Depression forces one to be selfish in a way, I guess. So I give myself permission to stop ... rest ... heal and rebuild. After all, I can't effectively help anyone else if I am weak and hurting ... and I DO want to help others and be a positive force in the world.
It feels so good today ... to just be.
Monday, April 08, 2013
two steps forward, one step back
Today I am frustrated ... short on patience and angry. There is no good reason for any of it ... really ... but it is what is.
I really wanted to go back to work next week. I want to be healthy and back to being my old self again. I want to be positive and happy and helpful. Unfortunately, I went to see my doctor this morning and he has recommended a return date of May 15th ... uggghhh! I hope to go back AT LEAST a week earlier ... May 6th is my personal target date now.
I guess I need more patience. It probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go back to work if I am angry and impatient. Working with children takes a lot of patience. It's frustrating ... I miss the kids and wish I could return to work. Until I can have more consistent good days, I guess it's for the best ... I have to listen to the doctor.
I am mad at the world today. I wish I could be happy and positive, but the world sucks.
I want to be a good role model for the kids, so I hope to conquer this soon. Right now, I kind of feel lost. I am lost in a labyrinth of blackness trying to find my way back to the light.
I am not a weak person. I am a strong, competent person who is just temporarily in need of a little help. I will be back in the game in a few weeks ... I know I will ...
I really wanted to go back to work next week. I want to be healthy and back to being my old self again. I want to be positive and happy and helpful. Unfortunately, I went to see my doctor this morning and he has recommended a return date of May 15th ... uggghhh! I hope to go back AT LEAST a week earlier ... May 6th is my personal target date now.
I guess I need more patience. It probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to go back to work if I am angry and impatient. Working with children takes a lot of patience. It's frustrating ... I miss the kids and wish I could return to work. Until I can have more consistent good days, I guess it's for the best ... I have to listen to the doctor.
I am mad at the world today. I wish I could be happy and positive, but the world sucks.
I want to be a good role model for the kids, so I hope to conquer this soon. Right now, I kind of feel lost. I am lost in a labyrinth of blackness trying to find my way back to the light.
I am not a weak person. I am a strong, competent person who is just temporarily in need of a little help. I will be back in the game in a few weeks ... I know I will ...
Sunday, April 07, 2013
Moving on
I can feel myself getting better. Yesterday was a good day and I am encouraged.
The brain is where it all goes down. When the brain is malfunctioning, bad things can happen. I am lucky to have the support I have to help me get my life back on track.
My disposition may be improved, but my energy and stamina seem to be still lacking. The tears have stopped, but I don't know what else I can do to return to a more active, productive state. Perhaps I will have to consult with my doctors about this one.
Letting go of some things can be very hard. It can take time to accept, consolidate, heal and move forward. And patience ... and support ... and understanding ...
Getting unstuck can be a big step forward in the depression process. It can be difficult to carry on when we are obsessing about an event that has impacted us greatly. It takes time and patience for this process to take it's natural course.
Living in the present is the only real way to function in any health, balanced, productive capacity. Living in the moment ... having the capacity and clarity to realize that we are here - now ... and our reality can be shaped by our choices ... our actions ... our ambitions.
Rejoice (we have no choice) ... we've got to carry on. We can allow events to pollute us, or we can choose to try. Who wants to spend their lives miserable, lost and wandering? I choose to try and do everything in my power to be a positive force in the world.
I don't want come out of this worse than before. I hope that a piece of me hasn't died and left me darker and colder. There may be some thing I don't have control over, but I believe we have the power to become who we want to become (to a large extent).
Even though I believe I am improving, I still have a great deal of dark, cold anger within me. I hope it won't stay with me a destructive aspect of my life.
I want begin reintegrating back into the workforce in one more week ... that is my goal. I hope to return (half time for the first week or two) and return into the real world. Energy and stamina are currently my biggest challenges.
The brain is where it all goes down. When the brain is malfunctioning, bad things can happen. I am lucky to have the support I have to help me get my life back on track.
My disposition may be improved, but my energy and stamina seem to be still lacking. The tears have stopped, but I don't know what else I can do to return to a more active, productive state. Perhaps I will have to consult with my doctors about this one.
Letting go of some things can be very hard. It can take time to accept, consolidate, heal and move forward. And patience ... and support ... and understanding ...
Getting unstuck can be a big step forward in the depression process. It can be difficult to carry on when we are obsessing about an event that has impacted us greatly. It takes time and patience for this process to take it's natural course.
Living in the present is the only real way to function in any health, balanced, productive capacity. Living in the moment ... having the capacity and clarity to realize that we are here - now ... and our reality can be shaped by our choices ... our actions ... our ambitions.
Rejoice (we have no choice) ... we've got to carry on. We can allow events to pollute us, or we can choose to try. Who wants to spend their lives miserable, lost and wandering? I choose to try and do everything in my power to be a positive force in the world.
I don't want come out of this worse than before. I hope that a piece of me hasn't died and left me darker and colder. There may be some thing I don't have control over, but I believe we have the power to become who we want to become (to a large extent).
Even though I believe I am improving, I still have a great deal of dark, cold anger within me. I hope it won't stay with me a destructive aspect of my life.
I want begin reintegrating back into the workforce in one more week ... that is my goal. I hope to return (half time for the first week or two) and return into the real world. Energy and stamina are currently my biggest challenges.
Friday, April 05, 2013
Challenges
I want to recover. I want to be back at work, being productive and active. I want to feel healthy again.
This episode of depression has forced me to withdraw from life and reduce the routine expectations most of us take care of daily (the rat race).
It has forced me to be selfish and press the pause button. It has forced me to simplify, minimize and reduce stressful elements in my life while I try to consolidate the contributing factors of the source of my depression and reevaluate certain aspects of life and the world.
I feel disabled, incompetent and so overwhelmed I just shut down. My whole world has been derailed and am forced to take a time out.
I can't help others ... I can barely help myself at times. I have no choice but to take the time to rest, heal and rebuild. Some days I am extremely impatient and angry, and know that it's best just to limit my contact to others.
How I have been coping with certain aspects of my depression
Getting Overwhelmed
Things get neglected and pile up fairly quickly ... I really have to space tasks out and break things down to "bite size" portions. Cleaning up or self grooming right now become harder to do, yet still need to be done, so I "chip away" at tasks until they are done.
Energy & Stamina
It surprises me that I get out of breath just using the stairs right now. I have always thought of myself as a relatively healthy, active adult ... volleyball, cycling, quality sleep and a healthy diet should make me energetic, competent and capable ... yet, right now I can become exhausted quickly and need to rest.
I force myself to walk almost every day. It may be just a couple of times around the block, but I know it's important to get exercise. On some days, if I am totally drained and incapacitated, I might have no choice and have to park and recharge. On good days, I take advantage of my capacity and push myself to try to regain some momentum and stamina.
It's important to make every effort to eat properly, get enough sleep, and try to stay active despite the depression.
Emotional Stability
Sadness ... anger ... these emotions have interfered with my disposition in the past few weeks. I am hoping to regain some stability with time. As of late, I think I am getting better. I suspect rest, the meds are beginning to help, and the passage of time has helped me recuperate. Talking with my psychologist has also probably assisted in the process.
Things are a little inconsistent these days ... good days, bad days ... I don't know how long it will be until there are mostly better, healthy days. Even the "good" days are pretty substandard right now.
Mindset
It can be a very dark thing this depression. At times, it can be crippling sad ... at other times one can feel anger and rage - mad at the whole world. I am now at the point where I know the importance of trying think positive where possible ... but some days I have trouble getting past this - and I can be paralyzed ... mired in this back tar of hopeless, discouraging sadness.
Much of our health can be greatly influenced by our attitude ... I am going try my best to work on healthier thoughts.
Spirit
The events that triggered my depression have prompted me to reevaluate my world and humans. This process will likely continue over the next few weeks ... currently things are pretty discouraging and black. On some days I find it difficult consolidate these thoughts and can be difficult to continue with "business as usual". Again, the key to getting productive again may lie in trying to focus on the positives and "fake it 'till you make it". I don't know if all of this will change me and perhaps make me a less positive person in the bigger picture.
There are days where I hate the world, and I know I am in need of solutions ... but currently, none are visible.
Control
Trying to choose your attitude has always been something I believed in, so my current apparent lack of choice in being a positive person is frustrating. I have a lot of support behind me with the recovery process, but in the end I wonder how much influence I will have in who I am as time passes. I don't want be a grumpy old man ... but some of the events that have recently unfolded definitely have made me think differently. Perhaps a few more sessions with the psychologist will help me sort out some of the challenging issues that have got my world reeling currently.
Some things that (for the most part) ARE in my control -
news ... I am trying to minimize bad news, drama and negativity ... it only feeds the dark ugliness that consumes me
diet ... (MOST of the time) trying to make good choices ... comfort foods (like pizza) can become an unavoidable temptation that I may be too weak to resist on some days, but for most days I know that a healthy diet will speed recovery
sleep ... I make every effort to try to stay in a healthy routine and get adequate rest
In the end, perhaps with time, patience and perseverance I hope to find balance and some form of coping with this ugly black cloud that has invaded my life. I hope to find a way to see sunshine again, and perhaps enjoy joy and happiness again ... but right now, I'm just an angry old man ... short on patience and trying just to get through the day ...
This episode of depression has forced me to withdraw from life and reduce the routine expectations most of us take care of daily (the rat race).
It has forced me to be selfish and press the pause button. It has forced me to simplify, minimize and reduce stressful elements in my life while I try to consolidate the contributing factors of the source of my depression and reevaluate certain aspects of life and the world.
I feel disabled, incompetent and so overwhelmed I just shut down. My whole world has been derailed and am forced to take a time out.
I can't help others ... I can barely help myself at times. I have no choice but to take the time to rest, heal and rebuild. Some days I am extremely impatient and angry, and know that it's best just to limit my contact to others.
How I have been coping with certain aspects of my depression
Getting Overwhelmed
Things get neglected and pile up fairly quickly ... I really have to space tasks out and break things down to "bite size" portions. Cleaning up or self grooming right now become harder to do, yet still need to be done, so I "chip away" at tasks until they are done.
Energy & Stamina
It surprises me that I get out of breath just using the stairs right now. I have always thought of myself as a relatively healthy, active adult ... volleyball, cycling, quality sleep and a healthy diet should make me energetic, competent and capable ... yet, right now I can become exhausted quickly and need to rest.
I force myself to walk almost every day. It may be just a couple of times around the block, but I know it's important to get exercise. On some days, if I am totally drained and incapacitated, I might have no choice and have to park and recharge. On good days, I take advantage of my capacity and push myself to try to regain some momentum and stamina.
It's important to make every effort to eat properly, get enough sleep, and try to stay active despite the depression.
Emotional Stability
Sadness ... anger ... these emotions have interfered with my disposition in the past few weeks. I am hoping to regain some stability with time. As of late, I think I am getting better. I suspect rest, the meds are beginning to help, and the passage of time has helped me recuperate. Talking with my psychologist has also probably assisted in the process.
Things are a little inconsistent these days ... good days, bad days ... I don't know how long it will be until there are mostly better, healthy days. Even the "good" days are pretty substandard right now.
Mindset
It can be a very dark thing this depression. At times, it can be crippling sad ... at other times one can feel anger and rage - mad at the whole world. I am now at the point where I know the importance of trying think positive where possible ... but some days I have trouble getting past this - and I can be paralyzed ... mired in this back tar of hopeless, discouraging sadness.
Much of our health can be greatly influenced by our attitude ... I am going try my best to work on healthier thoughts.
Spirit
The events that triggered my depression have prompted me to reevaluate my world and humans. This process will likely continue over the next few weeks ... currently things are pretty discouraging and black. On some days I find it difficult consolidate these thoughts and can be difficult to continue with "business as usual". Again, the key to getting productive again may lie in trying to focus on the positives and "fake it 'till you make it". I don't know if all of this will change me and perhaps make me a less positive person in the bigger picture.
There are days where I hate the world, and I know I am in need of solutions ... but currently, none are visible.
Control
Trying to choose your attitude has always been something I believed in, so my current apparent lack of choice in being a positive person is frustrating. I have a lot of support behind me with the recovery process, but in the end I wonder how much influence I will have in who I am as time passes. I don't want be a grumpy old man ... but some of the events that have recently unfolded definitely have made me think differently. Perhaps a few more sessions with the psychologist will help me sort out some of the challenging issues that have got my world reeling currently.
Some things that (for the most part) ARE in my control -
news ... I am trying to minimize bad news, drama and negativity ... it only feeds the dark ugliness that consumes me
diet ... (MOST of the time) trying to make good choices ... comfort foods (like pizza) can become an unavoidable temptation that I may be too weak to resist on some days, but for most days I know that a healthy diet will speed recovery
sleep ... I make every effort to try to stay in a healthy routine and get adequate rest
In the end, perhaps with time, patience and perseverance I hope to find balance and some form of coping with this ugly black cloud that has invaded my life. I hope to find a way to see sunshine again, and perhaps enjoy joy and happiness again ... but right now, I'm just an angry old man ... short on patience and trying just to get through the day ...
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Perspective Reevaluation
Feeling a little discouraged with the human race today
For the longest time, I wanted to believe the world was good. Life was good. People were good. These past few weeks, I am starting to think that people are like sheep. They are week, profit driven, and stupid.
We have polluted our world and continue to do so recklessly.
We allow greedy corporations to brainwash us as they peddle their cancerous goods, and we just keep supporting them.
Please ... tell me I'm wrong. Show me that people are smarter and are not as foolish as I think they are. The notion that humans are fully aware that the sugary, nitrate laden foods they are eating will bring them health problems, and the continue to not only consume them, but promote them to others ... that's insane. It can't be true ... it's unfathomable to me that people are that stupid.
Is this really the world we live in? Cancer ... heart disease ... diabetes ... obesity ... just because we want to "enjoy" life ... because it tastes good and dammed be the consequences?
We are willing to sacrifice everything for the selfish pleasures afforded to us by the death merchants? We are just standing here, smiling and swallowing this bitter pill?
Please tell me I am wrong. I refuse to believe that people can be that stupid.
I WANT TO BE A HAPPY, POSITIVE PERSON. How can I be a happy, positive person with the knowledge that there are so many people in the world making poor decisions?
Now, I know the big, greedy corporations are mainly responsible for this. They go to any and all lengths to keep the profits rolling in ... despite the consequences to OUR health ... but still, the notion that we continue to allow them to keep doing this to us ... I am having great difficulty consolidating all of this.
Yes ... we are creatures of habit. Yes ... we get in our comfortable grooves and it's easier - simpler to just keep doing what we've been doing. But I can't believe that once armed with the knowledge of what is healthy and what is not, we are so weak that we just keep allowing these destructive things to pollute our bodies and our world.
It is killing our friends and loved ones ... it is preventable and ridiculous ...
People continue to normalize these sugary, deep fried, unhealthy treats every day ... everywhere. Fat and happy ... many of us justify our excess weight with cutesy posters trying to glorify the excess weight, with no mention of health. We post food porn on FaceBook & Pinterest, share recipes to further spread the garbage everywhere possible ...
Refined white sugar, genetically modified gluten filled wheat, processed nitrate laden meats ... we keep eating them and even celebrating them, even though they are as harmful as cigarettes ...
Is ignorance bliss? Is the key to happiness the ability to stay sleeping in that numbness our society has become? Am I to simply disregard these injustices and carry on as if all was well and good?
Is the problem free will? Perhaps the answer lies in more legislation ... obviously people are not strong enough or smart enough to make smarter choices ...
Our greedy, profit driven world has produced cancer, disease, pain and misery ... and yet most of just keep right on doing what we've always been doing.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE HERE.
For the longest time, I wanted to believe the world was good. Life was good. People were good. These past few weeks, I am starting to think that people are like sheep. They are week, profit driven, and stupid.
We have polluted our world and continue to do so recklessly.
We allow greedy corporations to brainwash us as they peddle their cancerous goods, and we just keep supporting them.
Please ... tell me I'm wrong. Show me that people are smarter and are not as foolish as I think they are. The notion that humans are fully aware that the sugary, nitrate laden foods they are eating will bring them health problems, and the continue to not only consume them, but promote them to others ... that's insane. It can't be true ... it's unfathomable to me that people are that stupid.
Is this really the world we live in? Cancer ... heart disease ... diabetes ... obesity ... just because we want to "enjoy" life ... because it tastes good and dammed be the consequences?
We are willing to sacrifice everything for the selfish pleasures afforded to us by the death merchants? We are just standing here, smiling and swallowing this bitter pill?
Please tell me I am wrong. I refuse to believe that people can be that stupid.
I WANT TO BE A HAPPY, POSITIVE PERSON. How can I be a happy, positive person with the knowledge that there are so many people in the world making poor decisions?
Now, I know the big, greedy corporations are mainly responsible for this. They go to any and all lengths to keep the profits rolling in ... despite the consequences to OUR health ... but still, the notion that we continue to allow them to keep doing this to us ... I am having great difficulty consolidating all of this.
Yes ... we are creatures of habit. Yes ... we get in our comfortable grooves and it's easier - simpler to just keep doing what we've been doing. But I can't believe that once armed with the knowledge of what is healthy and what is not, we are so weak that we just keep allowing these destructive things to pollute our bodies and our world.
It is killing our friends and loved ones ... it is preventable and ridiculous ...
People continue to normalize these sugary, deep fried, unhealthy treats every day ... everywhere. Fat and happy ... many of us justify our excess weight with cutesy posters trying to glorify the excess weight, with no mention of health. We post food porn on FaceBook & Pinterest, share recipes to further spread the garbage everywhere possible ...
Refined white sugar, genetically modified gluten filled wheat, processed nitrate laden meats ... we keep eating them and even celebrating them, even though they are as harmful as cigarettes ...
Is ignorance bliss? Is the key to happiness the ability to stay sleeping in that numbness our society has become? Am I to simply disregard these injustices and carry on as if all was well and good?
Is the problem free will? Perhaps the answer lies in more legislation ... obviously people are not strong enough or smart enough to make smarter choices ...
Our greedy, profit driven world has produced cancer, disease, pain and misery ... and yet most of just keep right on doing what we've always been doing.
I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE HERE.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
control ... (or more precisely LACK OF)
The past couple weeks, I've found that one of the most troubling things happening is a lack of control. Little or no control over emotions, self discipline, attitude, productivity ... It's unsettling and a little disturbing.
I learned, not long ago, that for the most part we can choose our attitude. I guess that applies to most of us -most of the time ... when we are healthy and centred. It certainly doesn't seem to apply to me right now.
I seem to have slipped into "seek comfort" mode at times. Instead of getting exercise, I am hiding on the couch. Instead of eating healthy, nutritious food, I am sneaking pizza. Some days, I am doing the bare minimum ...
It's kind of pathetic really ... AND poor timing - it's spring ... I'm eating too much unhealthy foods and inactive ... UGHHH
Seeking comfort in food can be a dangerous thing, especially if you were obese in your early years. It's a slippery slope ... you eat something bad, then cravings for other bad things increase and self control goes out the window ...
. . . m u s t . . . s t o p . . . E A T I N G . . .
Depression really ends up put one in a downward spiral ... health begins to suffer, self esteem takes a beating, spirit sinks, enthusiasm dwindles to nothing ... very destructive forces. I hope there will be a silver lining in this somewhere down the line.
Oh - and watch out for RETAIL THERAPY ... I have found myself - a couple of times- spending money on stupid things ... Again - self control and good judgement seem to be taking a holiday ...
And then there's the drugs. I wish I could avoid the meds and heal on my own, but the sooner I get back to being me, the better. Janice deserves better, my school needs me and I certainly want to recover for my own sake ASAP. I also can't help but wonder if the drugs interfere in some ways with the natural process of the whole depression process. I started meds almost 2 weeks ago ... hope they kick in soon.
I've got 3 doctors (and my wonderful supportive wife) helping through this ugliness. My naturopath has started me off with her assistance, my psychologist is talking with me and my family doctor is also there for me. My friends (you) have also been very supportive ... I am very fortunate to have all these resource to help me get back on my feet.
I learned, not long ago, that for the most part we can choose our attitude. I guess that applies to most of us -most of the time ... when we are healthy and centred. It certainly doesn't seem to apply to me right now.
I seem to have slipped into "seek comfort" mode at times. Instead of getting exercise, I am hiding on the couch. Instead of eating healthy, nutritious food, I am sneaking pizza. Some days, I am doing the bare minimum ...
It's kind of pathetic really ... AND poor timing - it's spring ... I'm eating too much unhealthy foods and inactive ... UGHHH
Seeking comfort in food can be a dangerous thing, especially if you were obese in your early years. It's a slippery slope ... you eat something bad, then cravings for other bad things increase and self control goes out the window ...
. . . m u s t . . . s t o p . . . E A T I N G . . .
Depression really ends up put one in a downward spiral ... health begins to suffer, self esteem takes a beating, spirit sinks, enthusiasm dwindles to nothing ... very destructive forces. I hope there will be a silver lining in this somewhere down the line.
Oh - and watch out for RETAIL THERAPY ... I have found myself - a couple of times- spending money on stupid things ... Again - self control and good judgement seem to be taking a holiday ...
And then there's the drugs. I wish I could avoid the meds and heal on my own, but the sooner I get back to being me, the better. Janice deserves better, my school needs me and I certainly want to recover for my own sake ASAP. I also can't help but wonder if the drugs interfere in some ways with the natural process of the whole depression process. I started meds almost 2 weeks ago ... hope they kick in soon.
I've got 3 doctors (and my wonderful supportive wife) helping through this ugliness. My naturopath has started me off with her assistance, my psychologist is talking with me and my family doctor is also there for me. My friends (you) have also been very supportive ... I am very fortunate to have all these resource to help me get back on my feet.
Monday, April 01, 2013
f R a g i L e
I am not much for drama. I have had my fair share in my travels and have purposely come to a place in my life where there is much less unnecessary drama. There are times when it seems to be unavoidable ... one may not like it, but less desirable emotions make their presence known despite efforts to suppress them.
Most of the time I am a stable, dependable guy. A rock. These days ... not so much. I often feel weak, vulnerable and unstable. I don't like it, but I suspect embracing it is likely healthier than trying to deny it.
As a male I have been taught to be strong ... a force in the world. I am expected to be "manly". I guess this vulnerable state really has nothing to do with gender ... but many men probably have a harder time with it.
I don't want to cry, but my body apparently does (wether I like it or not).
As a male, public tears are embarrassing ... uncomfortable ... they show weakness and instability ...
A couple of weeks ago, while at work, I would leave the classroom to hide in the bathroom for crying spells. Then, I cried in front of some staff in the staff room. I couldn't hold back the tears in the vice-principals office either when I spotted the word "strength" behind him ... I felt so incapable, so incompetent ... definitely WITHOUT strength.
The tears can be emotionally draining ... exhausting on some occasions ... I know it's just temporary, but I truly look forward to sunnier days. It's not everyday ... yesterday was a pretty good day ... but today - right now I am not as strong as I wish I could be.
I also wonder if this will change me. I hope that I will return to positivity. I hope that this blackness ... the sadness, tears and anger will all pass, and I will come back to happiness.
As time passes, I know that there will be more good days and less bad days. I know patience and time will give way to recovery ... healing ...
Most of the time I am a stable, dependable guy. A rock. These days ... not so much. I often feel weak, vulnerable and unstable. I don't like it, but I suspect embracing it is likely healthier than trying to deny it.
As a male I have been taught to be strong ... a force in the world. I am expected to be "manly". I guess this vulnerable state really has nothing to do with gender ... but many men probably have a harder time with it.
I don't want to cry, but my body apparently does (wether I like it or not).
As a male, public tears are embarrassing ... uncomfortable ... they show weakness and instability ...
A couple of weeks ago, while at work, I would leave the classroom to hide in the bathroom for crying spells. Then, I cried in front of some staff in the staff room. I couldn't hold back the tears in the vice-principals office either when I spotted the word "strength" behind him ... I felt so incapable, so incompetent ... definitely WITHOUT strength.
The tears can be emotionally draining ... exhausting on some occasions ... I know it's just temporary, but I truly look forward to sunnier days. It's not everyday ... yesterday was a pretty good day ... but today - right now I am not as strong as I wish I could be.
I also wonder if this will change me. I hope that I will return to positivity. I hope that this blackness ... the sadness, tears and anger will all pass, and I will come back to happiness.
As time passes, I know that there will be more good days and less bad days. I know patience and time will give way to recovery ... healing ...
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