Challenges

I want to recover. I want to be back at work, being productive and active. I want to feel healthy again.

This episode of depression has forced me to withdraw from life and reduce the routine expectations most of us take care of daily (the rat race).

It has forced me to be selfish and press the pause button. It has forced me to simplify, minimize and reduce stressful elements in my life while I try to consolidate the contributing factors of the source of my depression and reevaluate certain aspects of life and the world.

I feel disabled, incompetent and so overwhelmed I just shut down. My whole world has been derailed and am forced to take a time out.

I can't help others ... I can barely help myself at times. I have no choice but to take the time to rest, heal and rebuild. Some days I am extremely impatient and angry, and know that it's best just to limit my contact to others.

How I have been coping with certain aspects of my depression

Getting Overwhelmed
Things get neglected and pile up fairly quickly ... I really have to space tasks out and break things down to "bite size" portions. Cleaning up or self grooming right now become harder to do, yet still need to be done, so I "chip away" at tasks until they are done.

Energy & Stamina
It surprises me that I get out of breath just using the stairs right now. I have always thought of myself as a relatively healthy, active adult ... volleyball, cycling, quality sleep and a healthy diet should make me energetic, competent and capable ... yet, right now I can become exhausted quickly and need to rest.

I force myself to walk almost every day. It may be just a couple of times around the block, but I know it's important to get exercise. On some days, if I am totally drained and incapacitated, I might have no choice and have to park and recharge. On good days, I take advantage of my capacity and push myself to try to regain some momentum and stamina.

It's important to make every effort to eat properly, get enough sleep, and try to stay active despite the depression.

Emotional Stability
Sadness ... anger ... these emotions have interfered with my disposition in the past few weeks. I am hoping to regain some stability with time. As of  late, I think I am getting better. I suspect rest, the meds are beginning to help, and the passage of time has helped me recuperate. Talking with my psychologist has also probably assisted in the process.

Things are a little inconsistent these days ... good days, bad days ... I don't know how long it will be until there are mostly better, healthy days. Even the "good" days are pretty substandard right now.

Mindset
It can be a very dark thing this depression. At times, it can be crippling sad ... at other times one can feel anger and rage - mad at the whole world. I am now at the point where I know the importance of trying think positive where possible ... but some days I have trouble getting past this - and I can be paralyzed ... mired in this back tar of hopeless, discouraging sadness.

Much of our health can be greatly influenced by our attitude ... I am going try my best to work on healthier thoughts.

Spirit 
The events that triggered my depression have prompted me to reevaluate my world and humans. This process will likely continue over the next few weeks ... currently things are pretty discouraging and black. On some days I find it difficult consolidate these thoughts and can be difficult to continue with "business as usual". Again, the key to getting productive again may lie in trying to focus on the positives  and "fake it 'till you make it". I don't know if all of this will change me and perhaps make me a less positive person in the bigger picture.

There are days where I hate the world, and I know I am in need of solutions ... but currently, none are visible.

Control
Trying to choose your attitude has always been something I believed in, so my current apparent lack of choice in being a positive person is frustrating. I have a lot of support behind me with the recovery process, but in the end I wonder how much influence I will have in who I am as time passes. I don't want be a grumpy old man ... but some of the events that have recently unfolded definitely have made me think differently. Perhaps a few more sessions with the psychologist will help me sort out some of the challenging issues that have got my world reeling currently.

Some things that (for the most part) ARE in my control -
news ... I am trying to minimize bad news, drama and negativity ... it only feeds the dark ugliness that consumes me
diet ... (MOST of the time) trying to make good choices ... comfort foods (like pizza) can become an unavoidable temptation that I may be too weak to resist on some days, but for most days I know that a healthy diet will speed recovery
sleep ... I make every effort to try to stay in a healthy routine and get adequate rest

In the end, perhaps with time, patience and perseverance I hope to find balance and some form of coping with this ugly black cloud that has invaded my life. I hope to find a way to see sunshine again, and perhaps enjoy joy and happiness again ... but right now, I'm just an angry old man ... short on patience and trying just to get through the day ...