I am not much for drama. I have had my fair share in my travels and have purposely come to a place in my life where there is much less unnecessary drama. There are times when it seems to be unavoidable ... one may not like it, but less desirable emotions make their presence known despite efforts to suppress them.
Most of the time I am a stable, dependable guy. A rock. These days ... not so much. I often feel weak, vulnerable and unstable. I don't like it, but I suspect embracing it is likely healthier than trying to deny it.
As a male I have been taught to be strong ... a force in the world. I am expected to be "manly". I guess this vulnerable state really has nothing to do with gender ... but many men probably have a harder time with it.
I don't want to cry, but my body apparently does (wether I like it or not).
As a male, public tears are embarrassing ... uncomfortable ... they show weakness and instability ...
A couple of weeks ago, while at work, I would leave the classroom to hide in the bathroom for crying spells. Then, I cried in front of some staff in the staff room. I couldn't hold back the tears in the vice-principals office either when I spotted the word "strength" behind him ... I felt so incapable, so incompetent ... definitely WITHOUT strength.
The tears can be emotionally draining ... exhausting on some occasions ... I know it's just temporary, but I truly look forward to sunnier days. It's not everyday ... yesterday was a pretty good day ... but today - right now I am not as strong as I wish I could be.
I also wonder if this will change me. I hope that I will return to positivity. I hope that this blackness ... the sadness, tears and anger will all pass, and I will come back to happiness.
As time passes, I know that there will be more good days and less bad days. I know patience and time will give way to recovery ... healing ...
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Citalopram...I've been on it for a couple of years now. I went to my doctor the day after I went into the garage, closed the door, and turned on the car......I sat there for a few minutes, thought how easy this would be, thankfully I shut the car off and went back into the house. Prior to that day I would often cry, for what seemed like nothing, a Church of Latter Day Saints commercial would have me sobbing. The human mind and psyche are mysterious places, and depression is, unfortunately quite common these days. We as humans are living in the most stressful, technological, faceless times in history. A person's ability to work has been lessened by robotics, and outsourcing. The government seems to be against the electorate, the people that got them there, and generally everything is going to hell in a hand-basket. I am still climbing out of the darkness, it is a long climb, and as you say there are better days, and lesser days, but I am hoping that time and medication will get me back to the surface and I will start to enjoy living again. I had all but given up that day, but I decided that it was time to include my doctor and seek some thing to turn this horrid ride around. If you haven't sought medical help, perhaps that is a starting point. I am glad I did, and am trying to cope with everything that has happened to me over the last few years, and a lifetime before that, I am hopeful.
I have 3 doctors helping me ... Very lucky to have support ... And Janice And friends like you ... Hoping the Meds kick in soon .
Hey Pete, anything I can do to help just ask, I totally know where you're coming from, I'm just up ahead in the darkness, looking for the light. We'll make it buddy, we'll make it.....
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